The Yucks Keep on Coming
by DayDreaminDeb
Summary: If you're Stephanie Plum and you're having a miserable day, it's water off a duck's back. This is my first submittal. Special thanks to Schaefy for her wonderful Beta advice. You're the bomb! Rating for situations. This Babefic is Cupcake friendly.


I do not own any characters excepting the villains and a few peripheral characters. Janet Evanovich's brilliant mind conjured the main characters up. She graciously allows us to borrow them. I am receiving no monetary or other compensation except for the joy of telling a story.

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The alarm was making an odd chirping sound. As a rule I abhor chirping in the morning before I've had a couple of cups of coffee. Needless to say, the chirping coming from my alarm clock was not something I approved of. So…it's not really my fault that I tossed it across the room against the wall with deadly force and it smashed into a billion little pieces. I rolled to my back with a sigh. This was not a great start to my day.

I forced myself out of bed and dragged myself into the kitchen of my tiny apartment and pushed the button to start the coffee brewing. I tossed my darling Rex some hamster pellets, a couple of grapes and a chunk of the cookie I had grabbed from the bag on the counter. Rex obviously thought he'd hit the mother lode. He stuffed both grapes and the cookie into his cheeks and raced back into his soup can obviously convinced that the hand that gives can also take away.

I leaned on the counter munching the rest of the cookie expecting to hear the steady drip of coffee as it began to fill the pot. I watched expectantly with half opened eyes and ignored the strange smell of something burning. That was a smell I was used to. That was a smell that I got a lot. I wasn't worried. As long as it didn't smell like burning flesh or hair, I was good. I wasn't able to ignore the pop and the sizzle at the outlet as sparks came shooting out evicting the unsuspecting plug from its socket and the entire apartment went black.

It was going to be a yucky day, I thought to myself. It was only seconds later when Dillon, the super, knocked on the door.

"What'd ya do," he said lazily as he leaned in the doorway.

"I tried to make coffee," I sighed.

"Bummer," he nodded. "It's going to be one of those days."

"Tell me about it," I agreed and went to change clothes. That's when I noticed it was raining. I don't mean that it was sprinkling pretty little droplets of water over a meadow through the golden glow of sunshine creating a rainbow that would bring a contented sigh to the most annoyed person on the planet. I mean it was pouring down in thick sheets that hit the stinking hot July pavement in Trenton New Jersey and bounced off leaving a smelly steam trail. Oh yea…it was definitely going to be one yucky day. My hair was definitely going to be out of control in that humidity.

I ran (because the only umbrella I owned was in my Escape currently in the shop) toward the dumpster where I always parked my car. Instead of my pretty little Escape was my loaner car. It was Uncle Sandor's powder blue Buick. It was parked and waiting for me like a bad memory with not even a dent in it after forty years. The dumpster smelled worse than usual. I had trouble getting my key into the lock so I had plenty of time to contemplate just what sort of things might be in there making those unappetizing smells.

I headed for the McDonald's that was more or less between my apartment and Vinnie's bond office where I sometimes worked. I got an Egg McMuffin and the biggest cup of coffee they would sell me and headed for the office. I ate the sandwich on the way knowing that it would be the only way I'd be assured of tasting any of it once Lula either saw or smelled it.

I walked into the office where Connie and Lula sat in the cool air-conditioned comfort fresh as daisies and twice as dry whereas I was not doing quite as well.

"What happened to you," Lula blinked at me in shock.

"It's a yucky day," I sighed and plopped on the worn leather couch with my coffee. I was soaking wet and squished a bit when I sat.

The girls quickly hid their laughter behind hands and magazines.

"Go on and laugh," she sighed. "Someone ought to get some yucks out of my yucky day." I raised a brow at Connie, "Tell me that you've got something easy for me."

"No can do," she shook her head and tapped one well manicured finger on the file in front of her. "What I have for you is Michelangelo Barberosa."

"No way," I groaned.

She winced and shrugged apologetically, "If it's any consolation, I think he likes you."

"There is no consolation," I said sourly. "I think he's a pervert."

"He's from your neighborhood," she said sweetly. "Your mother and his mother go to the same church."

"A fact my mother is so very proud of," I rolled my eyes.

"The last time you brought him in easily. This is an easy five hundred dollars for you."

"What did he do," I reached for the file.

"Public nudity," she grinned.

"Why am I not surprised?"

"He was…er…engaging in autoerotic stimulation when he was apprehended by a female officer in the park."

"Oh geez," I groaned.

"Autoerotic what," Lula blinked in confusing.

"He was playing with himself," Connie giggled.

"Huhn! They're always coming up with new names for that stuff. I mean I was in the business…back when I was a ho and I know I never heard that before. This is proof you live long enough and eventually you'll hear everything."

I smiled up at Lula and gave her my most beguiling smile, "come with?"

"No way white girl," she shook her head and everything else for that matter. "Do you see my hair?"

I blinked at the pile of pink on top of her head. I could see her hair. I thought people in Connecticut could see her hair. It was cotton candy pink. This was not a color that occurred in nature especially on big beautiful black women. She had even gone the next step and had her finger nails and toenails done in the same shade. Her four inch cotton candy pink shoes matched. Her black and pink spandex outfit also showed off her fondness for that color. It was all I could to keep a straight face, "it looks very nice."

"I know it does. Tank and I have big plans tonight. And I can't be running around in the Funky Trenton ass New Jersey July rain and risking messing it up. You are on your own," she waved a pink fingernail at me and crossed her arms in staunch resistance.

"What a friend," I rolled my eyes and headed out the door.

The thing is I already know a lot about Michelangelo Barberosa. He lived down the block from me when I was growing up. We were in the same class until he flunked fifth grade…the first time.

The sad thing is that his parents had been so hopeful when he was born. They named him after a famous artist because decades ago there had been an artist in the family who was of minor significance. They were so sure if they named him after such a famous artist, he wouldn't be able to resist following in those footsteps.

They were mistaken.

I drove straight to his mother's house and ran up to the stoop and rang the bell.

She opened the door with a scowl. "Are you taking Angelo back to jail?"

"I need to take him to get re-bonded. He didn't show for his court appearance."

She sighed, "He's got an apartment on 22nd." She started to close the door, "I did the best I could."

"I know you did," I said sympathetically and turned and ran back to the Buick.

The apartment building on 22nd wasn't as nice as mine and that's saying a lot. I'd helped Ranger clear some buildings like this that were full of drugs and prostitutes. I grimaced and got my stun gun and my zip tie cuffs. The zip tie cuffs were cheaper to replace than the normal ones and I tended to need to replace mine a lot.

I went into the building and up to the third floor where his apartment was. He opened the door when I knocked. He was wearing pants. Things were looking hopeful in spite of my flat wet hair. Unfortunately…it went down hill fast.

"Stephanie, how nice to see you," he opened the door wider and motioned me inside. "Let me guess…I forgot my bond hearing."

"Got it in one," I nodded and stepped into the dingy studio apartment. I immediately regretted it. There was porn on every wall. Some of the porn had my face taped over the girls face and it smelled really, really bad.

"I'll just get my wallet," he turned to the small kitchen.

I had a bad feeling. I walked over to the open window to get some fresh Trenton air (ha!) into my lungs and just as I arrived, he stunned me somewhat mildly (obviously he was an amateur). Based on what I could see inside the apartment, I was almost glad I fell out of the window. Even if I fell three stories to my death on the stinky wet Trenton pavement, it was an obvious step up.

But no…death was not in my cards. I landed in the open dumpster. The open…loaded dumpster. It was full of the same stink and rain water that had been in the dumpster at my own apartment. The heat only intensified the aroma and it didn't take long for me to make my own contribution to the smell as I threw up my coffee and Egg McMuffin. My only positive thought was that I might be able to finally fit into that red dress I'd bought at Macy's last month.

To everyone's surprise but mine police cars came into the parking lot with lights and sirens blaring. They started to haul me out of the dumpster, but the smell gagged them. Trenton's finest couldn't handle it any better than I could and they immediately started retching. Eventually I had to haul my own self out of the dumpster. It was really shaping up to be a yucky day.

Once out of the dumpster I turned my face up to the rain and sighed. I could get mad. It wouldn't be uncommon for me to get mad. I am half Italian. But there was part of me that just knew this was a yucky day and there was absolutely nothing to be done about it except live it. I was resigned to my fate. I just had to survive this yucky day. I heard an even heavier sigh than mine coming from somewhere behind me and I knew it had to be either Ranger or Joe. I was hoping for Ranger for a multitude of reasons, so of course it wasn't.

Joe Morelli stood a few yard away from me (I'm guessing up wind), "Cupcake…are you all right?"

"Peachy," I said turning my face back up to the rain. "Did he get away?"

"He's in the back of the squad car." He jerked his head toward the building, "did you see the pictures on the wall?"

"Yea…my possible death by dumpster diving seemed preferable to what may have happened had I stayed inside."

He winced, "you're probably right. Go by and collect your body receipt after you've had a shower."

"Good plan," I rolled my eyes.

"I'm glad you're okay," he turned to walk away.

"Aren't you glad we broke up? You might have had to hug me or something."

He stopped in his tracks and turned to study me, "for the first time…I am slightly glad to say yes." He turned and kept walking.

My friend Eddie and his partner sauntered toward me in their police provided rain gear laughing.

"Yuck it up boys," I glared. "It's still early. Maybe I can do something else to amuse you."

"I live in hope," Eddie laughed watching me spin in the torrential downpour to rinse the gunk off of me.

I tried going back to my apartment, but the fire truck blocking the entrance made me feel it wasn't really a good time. There didn't seem to be a fire and Dillon waved at me from the door happily. I sighed and drove on. This was really a yucky day. With a heavy heart I decided I would have to force myself to go to my parent's house where I kept some clean dry clothes.

Mom greeted me with a sigh. She shook her head and reminded me somewhat half-heartedly that they were still hiring at the button factory. I could see that she was only saying the words out of habit. As she went toward the ironing board set up in the living room so she could watch soap operas I could see her spirit dwindling. I had news for her mine wasn't faring much better.

I showered and changed and went to the cop shop to get the body receipt. I had to endure more laughter from the guys there. A couple of them showed me pictures that had been taken at the scene that were going around the office. Cops are funny people.

I took the receipt to Connie and got my check. I deposited it into my account and contemplated my afternoon. It was still early. It wasn't even noon yet. I could go home and hide…if I could get into my apartment. Or I could keep working. I had a couple of "easy" pickups to do and I decided I might as well continue on with my yucky day.

I headed for the nursing home to pick up Lorenzo Morelli who was no relation to Joe according to Joe's Grandmother Bella. His arrest was remarkably like Michelangelo's had been. This didn't make me feel good as a general rule. But I figured he probably wouldn't have any pictures of me on the wall.

He cooperated to a degree. I mean if you consider that he had on underwear cooperating. I did. I sure seemed like cooperating to me when I considered the number of FTAs I'd had to pick up with no clothes or at least no pants at all. Granted Lorenzo didn't have pants on, but you can't have everything. In my life, you learn to find joy in the little things.

I turned him in and drove to the shop to pick up my Escape and turn the Buick over to my father. He was there waiting for me when I arrived.

"Have you had a good day Pumpkin?"

"Hmmm…I think that would be a stretch Daddy," I shrugged handing him the keys to the Buick. "It's been pretty yucky. I'm sure Mom will tell you all about it. I got all the garbage out of it, but I'm not a hundred percent sure the smell is gone."

He shook his head in defeat, "is your mother ironing?"

"Every day of my adult life," I nodded in resignation.

"I'll see you for dinner on Saturday Pumpkin," he smiled and kissed my head. "I love you."

"Okay. Bye Daddy. I love you," I walked into the shop and got the keys to my car.

"See you in a couple of week Stephanie," the cashier grinned.

"And the yucks keep on coming," I gave him a little finger wave and walked toward the door, "see ya Bruno."

I was so happy to have my Escape back that I didn't see Michelangelo at the corner. Until he jumped into the SUV and pointed the gun in my neck, I wasn't thinking about anything but the price of gasoline.

"Hey Stephanie," he said softly.

"Hey Ange," I said with forced cheerfulness.

"You look okay," he studied my face in the rear view.

"I'm peachy," I agreed.

"I'm glad you weren't hurt. Let's get out of here."

"Out of here," I raised a brow at him in the mirror.

"Out of Trenton," he pointed toward the highway. "Trenton is no good for us Steph. We need to go somewhere nice."

"Not to your place," I asked.

"Someplace nice," he assured me.

I sighed. This day was totally yucky. I just did as I was told. I had no other choice with a gun at my neck. It seemed like we drove forever. It was dark by the time I was driving along some deserted country road somewhere in Pennsylvania. It came to me that my last resort could actually be finding an Amish farm and begging for help and it was all I could do not to burst into hysterical giggles.

Meanwhile the rain was still pouring down and neither of the two men in my life who rescued me when I needed rescuing had thus far come to my aid. I could understand why Joe hadn't shown up. He'd never had a GPS on me. And since we'd broken up several months prior, we really hadn't spent that much time together. But Ranger tracked my every movement. I would think when the blip showed I was leaving the state, he'd have started worrying. But so far…no beautiful Cuban man had shown up with guns blazing to carry me back to safety. I was a little annoyed.

In my life things just seem to work out though. And in true Stephanie fashion things worked out this time as well. The Escape died. I should have been surprised. I had just gotten the car out of the shop. But I wasn't surprised. This was, after all, my life.

Michelangelo was not so calm. He jumped out of the car and dragged me out ranting and raving and waving the gun about as the rain poured down plastering our clothes and hair to us. It didn't look good on him. I can only imagine how it looked on me. He stomped around the car screaming and carrying on.

It was then that I got the idea. I reached for the stun gun and just zapped him. I didn't give him one of those mamby-pamby little zaps like he gave me either. I got him hard and he went down for the count twitching like crazy.

I grabbed my keys and my purse and I ran. I'm really surprised that I had the foresight to do that. I don't usually have that much sense. And it was a really yucky day, so realistically I shouldn't have even thought of it.

As I ran I thought that maybe I'd have cell phone reception when I got to someplace safe. And maybe someone at Rangeman would eventually get a clue and start looking for me. That damn transmitter had to be good for something.

I ran for what seemed like forever and finally figured out that he was either not coming after me, or he had no idea where to look. I found a dilapidated barn and took refuge. Of course, my cell phone didn't have reception. However, the battery was almost fully charged. Yeah me!

It was approaching three am when three huge black SUVs pulled up on the road outside the barn and stopped.

I was cold. I was wet and shivering. I was hungry. I didn't even get to my feet. I stayed there on my hay bale waiting as Ranger walked straight to me looking like the prize at the end of a rainbow.

"Babe," he said softly as he squatted in front of me.

"R…R…Ranger," I chattered.

He pulled me forward and wrapped a thermal blanket around me. "You've had quite a day."

"A y…y…yucky day," I agreed shivering.

He tugged me to my feet and picked me up and carried me to his SUV and put me into the front passenger seat. "I've got this Tank. Take him in. Make sure they know it's federal."

Tank nodded without saying a word. They often communicated that way. I guessed it was a man thing. I shrugged and watched the other two SUVs pulled away.

"Come on," he said putting on his seat belt, "Let's get you someplace warm and dry."

"S…s…sure," I nodded.

A short time later he parked in front of a big Victorian house and carried me inside. A small woman directed us up the stairs into a large beautiful room. "I've made the bath and the food will be up shortly. Let me know if you need anything else."

"Thank you," Ranger said and took me into the bathroom and deposited me. In no time I was in the tub in the warm water that smelled just like honeysuckle. I was in heaven. The yucky day was getting a little better.

He opened the bathroom door and put some warm pajamas on the chair by the door and left me alone again. I got out and dressed and went into the bedroom. He encouraged me to get into the bed and tucked me. Then he put a tray of food on the bedside table that I could easily reach. It was a tray loaded with junk food and hot chocolate. He put a _**Ghostbusters**_ DVD on for me to watch.

He changed into black silk pajama bottoms and climbed into bed with me and cuddled me to him. He kissed my forehead as I snuggled up to him. "Do you want to tell me about your yucky day," he said softly as he popped a couple of M&Ms into his mouth from my tray.

"Nah," I beamed up at him. He was eating M&Ms. He was my hero. Life was good. I sighed happily, "Right now…it's not so bad."

"Babe," he said softly and leaned in to kiss me.


End file.
